Fun with Harper's Index

Now Serving Twinings Earl Grey

The ultimate "good guy" prestige class in D&D is the "Harper's Agent;" I've never thought it a coincidence that the name is shared by Harper's Magazine.

Every month, Harper's publishes a page of statistics called the "Harper's Index," from which I draw in writing this tale of Timmy and his family.

Seven-year-old, 175-lb. Timmy will now be in charge of protecting the chocolate ice cream. 85% of President Bush's appointees regulate industries they used to represent as lobbyists. Timmy isn't very good at reading. Four of the five directors of a No Child Left Behind reading program had financial ties to curricula they developed, receiving an average of $727,000 as a result. Timmy learned in school that the Apple Blossom is the official flower of the State of Michigan. Three out of every five states will not be able to sustain their official tree or flower, according to climate projections for 2100. Timmy's mommy drinks bottled water while she feels good about herself driving in a fuel-efficient Toyota. 16,000,000 barrels of oil were used last year to make the containers for bottled water sold in the US. Timmy's big sister tries to conserve water, the world's next big crisis. The water used to make bottled-water containers is twice as much as the water that goes in. Timmy's dad is a soldier in Iraq, drinking one of the 1,400,000 liters of bottled water that are shipped to Iraq each day (on average). Timmy is a non-combatant. Should all non-combatants in Iraq be treated as insurgents? 16% of Marines say yes, and 39% "neither agree nor disagree."

Now we'll get into the mind of a conservative voter: Although 55% claimed to favor amnesty for illegal immigrants, 66% said they would be less likely to vote for a candidate promoting such a plan. Would they vote for me if I cut off my pony tail?

And the mind of a conservative Supreme Court justice: Uncle Thomas uttered a mere 132 words during Supreme Court oral arguments, since February 2006. (The next-fewest word count belongs to Samuel Alito, at 14,404.) Maybe he was too busy trying to get a different kind of oral argument from Anita Hill.

All the information that passed through the internet last year weighed 0.00004 ounces. Not even enough for a bowl.