We have astronauts drinking in space, senators playing WoW, and "open minded religious thinkers" claiming Harry Potter is in fact the devil - not to be confused with the far more dangerous super devil. Reality check: what the fuck is going on?
After first hearing about this drunk-astronaut-fiasco, I had assumed they were high, due to Charles Gibson's clever headline of "before blasting into space astronauts got blasted" which reminded me of the term "rocketed" (gee, can you see the connection?) which is synonymous with stoned, baked, etc. This immediately excited me, but then I found out they were drunk. I don't really have a problem with this - there isn't much to hit in space, god forbid they fly drunk into another life form - but I'd think it would be much more exciting to go into space high. At least that's what I'd do. Then again that could be why I'm not an astronaut...yet.
Sadly however, this means NASA will most likely instate rules where there have only been "honored traditions" in the past, creating "space laws" for sex, drugs, and well, drugs. At least we've had some experiments with this already, apparently space sex leads directly to middle-aged love triangles with crazy revenge seeking space pioneers. Imagine the possibility of a space trip trip. I bet we could find willing volunteers somewhere.
Senators playing WoW? Not a big deal. Unless of course they raid. Then we may discover segments of "absence of office due to personal reasons," until of course they get more purplz.
As for the people claiming Harry Potter to be satanic? El oh el. There isn't much to say - the internet is a place for expressing your opinions and starting anti-anything that exists cults.
Online cults. Sounds creepy? You betcha. Click here to see a list of more creepy shit on the internet.
Something fitting.
27 July 2007
I am a Consumer Whore
Now Serving Apple Pie
A sports radio DJ (Andrew Siciliano) dropped "ESPN.com" not-so-subtly in an interview on his show, envisioning a world where dog-fighting fans could check the latest scores and highlights of the dog-fighting world. Heaven forbid, of course. The legal analyst on the show mentioned that crossing state lines to gamble can get you five years in prison; crossing state lines to fight dogs gets you up to one.
A highlight of the show was when he announced that Jessica Alba was single, then stated his height and zodiac sign. He's a Virgo.
At my gig babysitting, the kids like to watch the Disney channel a lot. One of their favorite shows is "Hannah Montana," starring Miley Cyrus as a southern pop princess who's just a normal girl. She's like a combination of Ashley Simpson and Hillary Duff, but with more apple pie.
Disney recently informed Congress that it would completely eliminate any smoking from its movies. I could handle that, but when CBC DJ Eric Friesen offhandedly commended them for it, I felt miserably betrayed! For a man not just of public radio, but of Canadian public radio, that was disgraceful. I bet he voted for Steven Harper.
I'm still waiting for versions of the Harry Potter novels in internet shorthand, available on the iPhone. For those who find shorthand Shakespeare a bit too heavy. (Hamlet: "lol hi2u horatio :) <3")
Step 1: Acquire many things you don't need or even want
Step 2: Abandon all awareness of mortality*
Step 3: Sell body on street
Step 4: ??
Step 5: Profit
Extra Bonus Game Time! Fill in the blank - what would YOU put in step four?
NO TELEVISIONS WERE HARMED IN THIS RANT AGAINST CONSUMERISM
BET (one channel next to GAC where I live) is now putting out a show based on this website. I'm not the most qualified commentator by any stretch of the imagination, but I can't help feeling that a white-collar lawyer's judgemental witticisms about black people don't deserve much credit, even if she's black herself.
*Not a typo!
A sports radio DJ (Andrew Siciliano) dropped "ESPN.com" not-so-subtly in an interview on his show, envisioning a world where dog-fighting fans could check the latest scores and highlights of the dog-fighting world. Heaven forbid, of course. The legal analyst on the show mentioned that crossing state lines to gamble can get you five years in prison; crossing state lines to fight dogs gets you up to one.
A highlight of the show was when he announced that Jessica Alba was single, then stated his height and zodiac sign. He's a Virgo.
At my gig babysitting, the kids like to watch the Disney channel a lot. One of their favorite shows is "Hannah Montana," starring Miley Cyrus as a southern pop princess who's just a normal girl. She's like a combination of Ashley Simpson and Hillary Duff, but with more apple pie.
Disney recently informed Congress that it would completely eliminate any smoking from its movies. I could handle that, but when CBC DJ Eric Friesen offhandedly commended them for it, I felt miserably betrayed! For a man not just of public radio, but of Canadian public radio, that was disgraceful. I bet he voted for Steven Harper.
I'm still waiting for versions of the Harry Potter novels in internet shorthand, available on the iPhone. For those who find shorthand Shakespeare a bit too heavy. (Hamlet: "lol hi2u horatio :) <3")
Step 1: Acquire many things you don't need or even want
Step 2: Abandon all awareness of mortality*
Step 3: Sell body on street
Step 4: ??
Step 5: Profit
Extra Bonus Game Time! Fill in the blank - what would YOU put in step four?
NO TELEVISIONS WERE HARMED IN THIS RANT AGAINST CONSUMERISM
BET (one channel next to GAC where I live) is now putting out a show based on this website. I'm not the most qualified commentator by any stretch of the imagination, but I can't help feeling that a white-collar lawyer's judgemental witticisms about black people don't deserve much credit, even if she's black herself.
*Not a typo!
25 July 2007
Carnivorous Man-Eating Babies
Now Serving Trader Joe's Jasmine Green Tea
You know, Iraq doesn't bother me much. Someone once said that familiarity breeds contempt, but if something starts out with contempt it just goes stale and becomes rotten indifference.
(Speaking of rotten, how far has Whole Foods fallen? The FTC accuses them of trying to limit competition and raise prices for consumers, after John Mackey's epic failure.)
But how awful and scary must Iraq be for the people that thought it was a good idea? They must feel betrayed and disoriented. For supporters of the war, it's though the world's been pulled out from under us.
The sad part is, we'll think we've learned something. We'll act wiser, like Iraq was a growth experience. Now we know the difference between "Arab" and "Muslim," and as soon as we get out of Iraq we can lick this Global Warming business and get back to a world where things, and America, are right.
In other news, San Francisco's attempt to create municipal wi-fi is controversial in ways you might not expect. The city is working with Google and Earthlink, but instead of aggravating Comcast and AT&T, they appear to be angering...activists! Proponents of publicly-owned wi-fi have some interesting criticisms of SF's plan, which can be found in this (hilariously biased) Wikipedia article. There's a little bit of irony here.
You know, Iraq doesn't bother me much. Someone once said that familiarity breeds contempt, but if something starts out with contempt it just goes stale and becomes rotten indifference.
(Speaking of rotten, how far has Whole Foods fallen? The FTC accuses them of trying to limit competition and raise prices for consumers, after John Mackey's epic failure.)
But how awful and scary must Iraq be for the people that thought it was a good idea? They must feel betrayed and disoriented. For supporters of the war, it's though the world's been pulled out from under us.
The sad part is, we'll think we've learned something. We'll act wiser, like Iraq was a growth experience. Now we know the difference between "Arab" and "Muslim," and as soon as we get out of Iraq we can lick this Global Warming business and get back to a world where things, and America, are right.
In other news, San Francisco's attempt to create municipal wi-fi is controversial in ways you might not expect. The city is working with Google and Earthlink, but instead of aggravating Comcast and AT&T, they appear to be angering...activists! Proponents of publicly-owned wi-fi have some interesting criticisms of SF's plan, which can be found in this (hilariously biased) Wikipedia article. There's a little bit of irony here.
22 July 2007
Ace Deuce
Now Serving Irish Breakfast Tea
My slingshot monkey lost his hands in a slingshot accident. "I'm having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and I'm moving to Australia."
The Ann Arbor Art Fair had what can only be called a politics street. Everybody has a booth now, not just artists - stores have booths in front, bums can harp one-dollar bottled waters (that's like paying eight Washingtons a gallon for water, by the way), sponsors got booths - so why not give a street over to Greyhound and Anti-Circumcision activists.
I had a petition to sign, so I knew where to start looking. Every church had a stall for a street-preacher - the Churches of Mitt Romney, Amnesty International, Communism, certainly Global Warming, and others. Nudists were fortunately keeping their activism to a modest level, while I scanned the booths for a tell-tale "NORML" or leaf image.
I would be initially disappointed, but not before stuffing my pockets with a Calvary CD (apparently targeting Arabic-speaking peoples) and random pamphlet I didn't want, but somehow had. I also signed three Amnesty International petitions and was tempted to ask the Pro-Life booth where I could find a marijuana petition.
I found it finally not in a booth, but with a random guy who coincidentally lived in the same county I did. He helped me out with rules affecting changing dormitory addresses as a registered voter, and I signed his petition (which, apparently, earned him two bucks).
Later in the day, I saw a guy walking down the street with a giant picture of an aborted fetus on his sign, above which read "'CHOICE,'" twice. One of them came when my Neil Young-like employer was discussing politics with a Greco-Indian-English woman who he'd haggled with earlier. The second time, he yelled "That's obscene!" directly at the guy, who walked on by stoically of course.
I'm definitely not moving to Australia.
My slingshot monkey lost his hands in a slingshot accident. "I'm having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and I'm moving to Australia."
The Ann Arbor Art Fair had what can only be called a politics street. Everybody has a booth now, not just artists - stores have booths in front, bums can harp one-dollar bottled waters (that's like paying eight Washingtons a gallon for water, by the way), sponsors got booths - so why not give a street over to Greyhound and Anti-Circumcision activists.
I had a petition to sign, so I knew where to start looking. Every church had a stall for a street-preacher - the Churches of Mitt Romney, Amnesty International, Communism, certainly Global Warming, and others. Nudists were fortunately keeping their activism to a modest level, while I scanned the booths for a tell-tale "NORML" or leaf image.
I would be initially disappointed, but not before stuffing my pockets with a Calvary CD (apparently targeting Arabic-speaking peoples) and random pamphlet I didn't want, but somehow had. I also signed three Amnesty International petitions and was tempted to ask the Pro-Life booth where I could find a marijuana petition.
I found it finally not in a booth, but with a random guy who coincidentally lived in the same county I did. He helped me out with rules affecting changing dormitory addresses as a registered voter, and I signed his petition (which, apparently, earned him two bucks).
Later in the day, I saw a guy walking down the street with a giant picture of an aborted fetus on his sign, above which read "'CHOICE,'" twice. One of them came when my Neil Young-like employer was discussing politics with a Greco-Indian-English woman who he'd haggled with earlier. The second time, he yelled "That's obscene!" directly at the guy, who walked on by stoically of course.
I'm definitely not moving to Australia.
20 July 2007
Fun with Harper's Index
Now Serving Twinings Earl Grey
The ultimate "good guy" prestige class in D&D is the "Harper's Agent;" I've never thought it a coincidence that the name is shared by Harper's Magazine.
Every month, Harper's publishes a page of statistics called the "Harper's Index," from which I draw in writing this tale of Timmy and his family.
Seven-year-old, 175-lb. Timmy will now be in charge of protecting the chocolate ice cream. 85% of President Bush's appointees regulate industries they used to represent as lobbyists. Timmy isn't very good at reading. Four of the five directors of a No Child Left Behind reading program had financial ties to curricula they developed, receiving an average of $727,000 as a result. Timmy learned in school that the Apple Blossom is the official flower of the State of Michigan. Three out of every five states will not be able to sustain their official tree or flower, according to climate projections for 2100. Timmy's mommy drinks bottled water while she feels good about herself driving in a fuel-efficient Toyota. 16,000,000 barrels of oil were used last year to make the containers for bottled water sold in the US. Timmy's big sister tries to conserve water, the world's next big crisis. The water used to make bottled-water containers is twice as much as the water that goes in. Timmy's dad is a soldier in Iraq, drinking one of the 1,400,000 liters of bottled water that are shipped to Iraq each day (on average). Timmy is a non-combatant. Should all non-combatants in Iraq be treated as insurgents? 16% of Marines say yes, and 39% "neither agree nor disagree."
Now we'll get into the mind of a conservative voter: Although 55% claimed to favor amnesty for illegal immigrants, 66% said they would be less likely to vote for a candidate promoting such a plan. Would they vote for me if I cut off my pony tail?
And the mind of a conservative Supreme Court justice: Uncle Thomas uttered a mere 132 words during Supreme Court oral arguments, since February 2006. (The next-fewest word count belongs to Samuel Alito, at 14,404.) Maybe he was too busy trying to get a different kind of oral argument from Anita Hill.
All the information that passed through the internet last year weighed 0.00004 ounces. Not even enough for a bowl.
The ultimate "good guy" prestige class in D&D is the "Harper's Agent;" I've never thought it a coincidence that the name is shared by Harper's Magazine.
Every month, Harper's publishes a page of statistics called the "Harper's Index," from which I draw in writing this tale of Timmy and his family.
Seven-year-old, 175-lb. Timmy will now be in charge of protecting the chocolate ice cream. 85% of President Bush's appointees regulate industries they used to represent as lobbyists. Timmy isn't very good at reading. Four of the five directors of a No Child Left Behind reading program had financial ties to curricula they developed, receiving an average of $727,000 as a result. Timmy learned in school that the Apple Blossom is the official flower of the State of Michigan. Three out of every five states will not be able to sustain their official tree or flower, according to climate projections for 2100. Timmy's mommy drinks bottled water while she feels good about herself driving in a fuel-efficient Toyota. 16,000,000 barrels of oil were used last year to make the containers for bottled water sold in the US. Timmy's big sister tries to conserve water, the world's next big crisis. The water used to make bottled-water containers is twice as much as the water that goes in. Timmy's dad is a soldier in Iraq, drinking one of the 1,400,000 liters of bottled water that are shipped to Iraq each day (on average). Timmy is a non-combatant. Should all non-combatants in Iraq be treated as insurgents? 16% of Marines say yes, and 39% "neither agree nor disagree."
Now we'll get into the mind of a conservative voter: Although 55% claimed to favor amnesty for illegal immigrants, 66% said they would be less likely to vote for a candidate promoting such a plan. Would they vote for me if I cut off my pony tail?
And the mind of a conservative Supreme Court justice: Uncle Thomas uttered a mere 132 words during Supreme Court oral arguments, since February 2006. (The next-fewest word count belongs to Samuel Alito, at 14,404.) Maybe he was too busy trying to get a different kind of oral argument from Anita Hill.
All the information that passed through the internet last year weighed 0.00004 ounces. Not even enough for a bowl.
18 July 2007
It's Not Political at All
Now Serving Trader Joe's Ruby Red Chai
CBS and Fox News refuse to show this Trojan ad because it's inappropriate (unlike ads for penis pills which contain the word "erection").
According to this NY Times article, Comcast refused to show the ad during Adult Swim because they deemed it inappropriate for children that might be watching.
CBS' website now has this link: "KnowHIVAIDS.org"
I followed that link, and it didn't take me long to find this: "Always use a condom for vaginal or anal sex, and barrier methods, such as a condom or dental dam, for oral sex."
I'm glad these people are preaching abstinence-only; I wouldn't want them reproducing.
CBS and Fox News refuse to show this Trojan ad because it's inappropriate (unlike ads for penis pills which contain the word "erection").
According to this NY Times article, Comcast refused to show the ad during Adult Swim because they deemed it inappropriate for children that might be watching.
CBS' website now has this link: "KnowHIVAIDS.org"
I followed that link, and it didn't take me long to find this: "Always use a condom for vaginal or anal sex, and barrier methods, such as a condom or dental dam, for oral sex."
I'm glad these people are preaching abstinence-only; I wouldn't want them reproducing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
