I shared my arrangement of a bowl, a plate, a moist tea-bag, four beer bottles, three bottle-caps, and something else I can't remember with those of my friends who are generic. They deemed it a fine retirement fund.
We are all secretly afflicted with a fatal disease. It's a unique secret in that everyone knows it, but it's still a secret. Hiding in plain sight, it explains - with startlingly mechanical simplicity - every finest detail of our culture, encompasses the whole of our soul-searching, and can be tangibly identified. It is a premise upon which virtually all wisdom is based, and the reason for which wisdom is sought.
I used to think it was strange when I encountered comments that were openly obsessed with it. I don't any more. I've become obsessed with it, and I've come to understand this obsession as being more common than I previously thought. It goes beyond metal music and the morbid thoughts of twisted, depraved thinkers. Christian self-help writers are talking about it. Paul McCartney is talking about it. The elderly wrestle with it titanically, and show their age by keeping calm for our sake - the sake of those blissful many who don't really know what they know, who think that they will live forever.
So why is it a secret? That's the answer that can't be shared; I think I know it, and I think I could write my answer, but it would lose its truth. This answer can only exist internally; nothing external reaches that loneliest point to which it pertains. Besides, I'm not sure.
29 June 2008
22 June 2008
Country Girls and City Boys
I'm sorry, he just didn't see you.
You black women and white men
were out at work when
the light bard danced around us,
and drew our hearts gently
to the wonders of beautiful opposites.
Now your room is rented
to compliments, and
the coming children of
the most beautiful people.
There aren't songs enough for everyone -
for hard-working women and savvy gentlemen,
for lady-ballers and horses' riders,
but please be consoled:
Please understand he didn't mean it,
you weren't there to compete,
it was just time and place seeming wrong;
you were just ignored.
You black women and white men
were out at work when
the light bard danced around us,
and drew our hearts gently
to the wonders of beautiful opposites.
Now your room is rented
to compliments, and
the coming children of
the most beautiful people.
There aren't songs enough for everyone -
for hard-working women and savvy gentlemen,
for lady-ballers and horses' riders,
but please be consoled:
Please understand he didn't mean it,
you weren't there to compete,
it was just time and place seeming wrong;
you were just ignored.
11 June 2008
Column V
Now Serving What Will Hopefully be my Fifth Column for the Fifth Column
To grow up in America is to navigate a world where the line between scam and legitimate business is so blurry as not to exist.
Which is fine, because we're all educated consumers. Not only are we all “rational,” but every single choice we make in the market is made “in our best interests.” (Ask your economics professor.) We should be able to distinguish between a scam, a very sketchy but legal business, and a “legitimate” business. Those who can't make the distinction, well, that's our meritorious system weeding out the weak – indiscriminate of race, class or creed! I know I'm proud of it.
Now, one of the duties of the good consumer is not only to learn what is and isn't a scam, but also to share this knowledge with his fellow consumers. To that end, I've compiled a handy guide in this very column.
Many students here at Michigan State have come across excellent opportunities in poetry contests from the National Library of Poetry (or the “International Society of Poets,” “Poetry.com,” etc...). This is a real organization, and they don't lie to you! When you submit a poem to their contest, you will become a semi-finalist eligible to purchase a book with all the semi-finalists' poems! Not only are they truthful in this, they even heighten the accomplishment by implying (but never explicitly saying) that some applicants won't reach the semi-finals.
Consumers, don't be fooled – this is not a scam! Most Better Business Bureaus around the country have no problem with the National Library of Poetry (and its many affiliates); many rate it quite highly! Just do a nation-wide search on their website, www.bbb.org, where they urge you to “Start With Trust.”
It's also a common misconception that dieting products - like the kind you see advertised between “Girls Gone Wild” ads on late-night cable - are sometimes illegitimate. My fellow consumers, this is merely paranoia sparked by sleep deprivation. We must be rational consumers and base our decisions on research, which diet pill providers have generously provided us with.
Take, for example, the “Go Girl” line of energy drinks, by the Nor-Cal Beverage Company. From their site: “Go Girl is a great tasting energy drink made especially for today's active female. It has all the benefits of an energy drink plus it's low calorie, low in sugar or sugar free, and has a mild herbal appetite suppressant.”
Citrimax, the “mild herbal appetite suppressant” in Go Girl, has been found to have no negative side effects (unless you look at citrimax pills on www.webmd.com), and is proven to possibly actually reduce appetite! The research was done mostly on animals prior to 1988, according to a site that sells citrimax, www.bodyandfitness.com. If you're concerned about the legitimacy of that research, let me remind you that research is like a fine wine - it can only get better with age.
Despite the available facts, some are still concerned about Go Girl. Put to rest your fears – what scam would charge a mere $44 per 288oz case? And with such reasonable prices, there's still money leftover for Go Girl to “passionately support Breast & Ovarian Cancer research and awareness. A portion of the proceeds of each case sold is donated to affiliated foundations.” They don't say how much on their site, but the educated consumer must also utilize the telephone! I learned that they donate 25¢ per case, and that they estimate they've donated over $40,000 in total, including sponsorships of fundraisers. How could such a noble enterprise be a scam? Why, they'll probably start donating to female body image and self-esteem programs next!
There are some who question the notion that we should rely on educated consumers – some who believe that the government should step in and unnecessarily regulate our economy. They say that the consumer is at an unfair disadvantage – or worse, they whine about the millions of people too poor to be consumers! For these people who don't see the folly of their own communist sympathies, I have an example of a scammer: Dick DeVos. His father's company, Amway, was involved in a soap-selling pyramid scheme that he routinely praised, and pyramid schemes are illegal. Yet the educated consumers of Michigan protected themselves when he ran for Governor – only 31% of Michiganders were willing to vote for a scammer! One might argue that the other 69% also voted for a scammer, but to that, I say Hey – that's politics.
To grow up in America is to navigate a world where the line between scam and legitimate business is so blurry as not to exist.
Which is fine, because we're all educated consumers. Not only are we all “rational,” but every single choice we make in the market is made “in our best interests.” (Ask your economics professor.) We should be able to distinguish between a scam, a very sketchy but legal business, and a “legitimate” business. Those who can't make the distinction, well, that's our meritorious system weeding out the weak – indiscriminate of race, class or creed! I know I'm proud of it.
Now, one of the duties of the good consumer is not only to learn what is and isn't a scam, but also to share this knowledge with his fellow consumers. To that end, I've compiled a handy guide in this very column.
Many students here at Michigan State have come across excellent opportunities in poetry contests from the National Library of Poetry (or the “International Society of Poets,” “Poetry.com,” etc...). This is a real organization, and they don't lie to you! When you submit a poem to their contest, you will become a semi-finalist eligible to purchase a book with all the semi-finalists' poems! Not only are they truthful in this, they even heighten the accomplishment by implying (but never explicitly saying) that some applicants won't reach the semi-finals.
Consumers, don't be fooled – this is not a scam! Most Better Business Bureaus around the country have no problem with the National Library of Poetry (and its many affiliates); many rate it quite highly! Just do a nation-wide search on their website, www.bbb.org, where they urge you to “Start With Trust.”
It's also a common misconception that dieting products - like the kind you see advertised between “Girls Gone Wild” ads on late-night cable - are sometimes illegitimate. My fellow consumers, this is merely paranoia sparked by sleep deprivation. We must be rational consumers and base our decisions on research, which diet pill providers have generously provided us with.
Take, for example, the “Go Girl” line of energy drinks, by the Nor-Cal Beverage Company. From their site: “Go Girl is a great tasting energy drink made especially for today's active female. It has all the benefits of an energy drink plus it's low calorie, low in sugar or sugar free, and has a mild herbal appetite suppressant.”
Citrimax, the “mild herbal appetite suppressant” in Go Girl, has been found to have no negative side effects (unless you look at citrimax pills on www.webmd.com), and is proven to possibly actually reduce appetite! The research was done mostly on animals prior to 1988, according to a site that sells citrimax, www.bodyandfitness.com. If you're concerned about the legitimacy of that research, let me remind you that research is like a fine wine - it can only get better with age.
Despite the available facts, some are still concerned about Go Girl. Put to rest your fears – what scam would charge a mere $44 per 288oz case? And with such reasonable prices, there's still money leftover for Go Girl to “passionately support Breast & Ovarian Cancer research and awareness. A portion of the proceeds of each case sold is donated to affiliated foundations.” They don't say how much on their site, but the educated consumer must also utilize the telephone! I learned that they donate 25¢ per case, and that they estimate they've donated over $40,000 in total, including sponsorships of fundraisers. How could such a noble enterprise be a scam? Why, they'll probably start donating to female body image and self-esteem programs next!
There are some who question the notion that we should rely on educated consumers – some who believe that the government should step in and unnecessarily regulate our economy. They say that the consumer is at an unfair disadvantage – or worse, they whine about the millions of people too poor to be consumers! For these people who don't see the folly of their own communist sympathies, I have an example of a scammer: Dick DeVos. His father's company, Amway, was involved in a soap-selling pyramid scheme that he routinely praised, and pyramid schemes are illegal. Yet the educated consumers of Michigan protected themselves when he ran for Governor – only 31% of Michiganders were willing to vote for a scammer! One might argue that the other 69% also voted for a scammer, but to that, I say Hey – that's politics.
08 June 2008
Pride
Now Serving Psychiatry at its Finest (no sarcasm)
Maybe the difference between an addiction and a passion is that an addiction can jeopardize itself. Some people would play WoW through a lightning storm; some drug addicts would dope themselves broke.
Everything is a little diminished after a brownout, and moreso after the next. I think we went that way willingly, we of this community struck by brownouts. We got a little high off of our dazed electronic equipment, waking up in a stupor, only (on one occasion) to be smacked down before waking.
Without my computer, I'd be cut off from the ways of knowledge-gathering I know best. I'd be cut off from fascinating stories about people like Jerald Block, or things like this. I don't go out to buildings that house people and groups I'm interested in.
Everyone likes to talk about lightning storms as little microcosmic hubris tales, and I guess it's fitting. But I like it this way. I'm a human being, subject to the world I live in, who needs to know when and what to adjust in response to that world. I will die, after I've been a moving part of the world. This is something to be proud of.
Maybe the difference between an addiction and a passion is that an addiction can jeopardize itself. Some people would play WoW through a lightning storm; some drug addicts would dope themselves broke.
Everything is a little diminished after a brownout, and moreso after the next. I think we went that way willingly, we of this community struck by brownouts. We got a little high off of our dazed electronic equipment, waking up in a stupor, only (on one occasion) to be smacked down before waking.
Without my computer, I'd be cut off from the ways of knowledge-gathering I know best. I'd be cut off from fascinating stories about people like Jerald Block, or things like this. I don't go out to buildings that house people and groups I'm interested in.
Everyone likes to talk about lightning storms as little microcosmic hubris tales, and I guess it's fitting. But I like it this way. I'm a human being, subject to the world I live in, who needs to know when and what to adjust in response to that world. I will die, after I've been a moving part of the world. This is something to be proud of.
05 June 2008
Ow, My Poor Soul
Now Serving Values
"Do you feel safe with Bush as president?
[YES] [NO]
Answer now for a chance to win $50,000!"
We'll be selling tickets to our own funeral.
"Do you feel safe with Bush as president?
[YES] [NO]
Answer now for a chance to win $50,000!"
We'll be selling tickets to our own funeral.
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