Barack, You Should Have Practiced With My Grandpa

Debates are awesome.

Is there any competition so subjectively judged, with such bias in virtually every spectator (other than figure skating)? Is there any other kind of struggle, whose victory conditions are not only amorphous and vague, but even unpredictable and as fickle as public opinion?

My day could have ended with the sad knowledge that my candidate lost the debate - even got trounced and laughed at. Fortunately, I stayed up late enough to see the poll numbers.

Wow. So after my initial surprise, and soberly acknowledging that unscientific polls are severely flawed, my question is this: with most pundits saying the debate was a tie, how is it that only 6.4% of those polled think so?

I think this tells us something about what kinds of people respond to post-debate online polls - people like me, who thought McCain won, but will gladly claim the opposite for a poll. Bwahahahaha. Ugh.

Is it just me, or does all of this hoopla seem like insubstantial fluff, more like an inconsequential sports match than a debate over the future of our country?

Expensive Stuff

I was at dinner with my extended family, unable to relax or take more than an obligatory part in the conversation. I was hiding scraps of weed in one of my hands, desperately searching for a safe way to get rid of the stuff.

Opportunity seemed to present itself: a bowl of pesto afforded my schwag the finest camouflage one could ask of an Italian dinner. Deciding that I would sort it out later, I deposited my forbidden valuables in the bowl.

It was only then that I realized: pesto isn't usually stored in liquid. In this particular case, it was. I saw then that it wasn't just any liquid, either - it was my sister's perfume.

As she began to look at me, aghast, I insisted that I would sort the pesto out from her perfume, promising to lose as little perfume as possible. She seemed unconvinced.

What my extended family thought, I have no idea. That was when I woke up.

My Friends...

"He won that election, right?"

The Real Reason She Got Fired

Now Serving Crispy Bruschetta with Scapegoat Cheese

Carly Fiorina, former head of Hewlett-Packard and until recently advisor to the McCain campaign, caused a small stir when she said that Sarah Palin did not have the experience to run a major company. She later qualified this comment by adding that John McCain didn't have that kind of experience, either. Finally, she added that Barack Obama and Joe Biden couldn't run a major company either, before promptly being fired.

Here's my quick, irrelevant question, before we get on to the big beef here: Should we expect candidates for president to have the experience necessary to run a company - not just the ability or leadership qualities, but the experience? Hilariously, Fiorina's defense of her statements, something to the effect of "But Palin isn't running for CEO," was a legitimate point. It's absurd to expect our presidential candidates to be qualified for a very different job, but this obvious truth was lost in a world where nuance is largely ignored, and oversimplification is the order of the day.

We shouldn't be talking about who can and can't run a major company. CEOs are accountable to shareholders; Presidents are accountable to everybody. CEOs don't veto legislation, engage in diplomacy with other countries (oh sure, "diplomacy" with other CEOs. Must a CEO study the cultural practices of other companies before going abroad to speak with them?), or have to deal with anything resembling Congress and the Supreme Court. CEOs manage companies; presidents manage economies. CEOs don't have any kind of authority over war (well, at least in theory), over "hot-button social issues" like abortion or gay marriage. CEOs are not expected to perfectly execute that most vague and difficult of tasks, "being a leader" to an entire nation of people.

Anyway. The real reason Carly Fiorina got fired was not for her candid statements about her boss, which should not have (but probably has) hurt his campaign, but because of her very un-hip reaction to Tina Fey's portrayal of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. There's nothing John McCain hates more than to be portrayed as uncool and behind the times. (All those celebrity ads about Obama? As MSNBC's liberal talking heads suggested, I think he's jealous of Obama's coolness.)

Even as Johnny Mac and Sarah P were saying nice things about the SNL skit, Fiorina derided it as "sexist." (In what way, you ask? Because she thought it made Hillary Clinton, who incidentally is a woman, look better than Sarah Palin.) Ooops.

The Campaign: "Gov. Palin and Sen. McCain, and almost all the campaign staff, watched it and thought it was hilarious. Carly is speaking for herself."

Warrior Culture

Can we just stop pretending that we like peace, for just a minute? Because we don't.

We've got a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, a culture war and a class war. We're proud of our military, proud of our military history, and proud of our competitive spirit. We love politicians who say they're going to fight - for our rights, for our families, against corruption, etc. It's no coincidence that football is our favorite sport; that it defeated docile baseball for that title. We're pretty excited about guns, too.

Much has been said of our love for violent film and television. Much has been said of human nature being violent at its core; if that's the case, we're not doing much to collectively resist that impulse.

Much has been said, in fact, about all of these things. Many commentators have pointed out that ours is a violent culture, and that's the most telling sign of all: we haven't changed. Brought to face our love of violence, our response has been "So? What's wrong with it?"

In public, we certainly speak of peace. Certainly it would look bad, in public, to support a statement like this: "Trample the weak, hurdle the dead." But the world in which we purchase goods is private, and here is where we show our true colors.

Old People Love to Argue

Dear Barack Obama,

Hello. My name is Joel, and I'm a canvasser working for your campaign. I'd like to talk to you a little bit about my grandfather.

My grandfather is 94 years old. He's had several strokes, and is now afflicted with a debilitating dementia that renders him barely able to communicate, let alone remember most things. He has military experience, and rose to the rank of staff sergeant; today, he'll confusedly report having been a staff sergeant at his local synagogue.

Three times a week, I go to his house to help take him to an adult day-care center. As he's in a wheel-chair, it takes two people (myself and a hired helper) to get him out of the house, into a car, and back again later in the day. What little time he has at this center is all he has to look forward to, other than his favorite food, White Castle hamburgers. (Ironically, he was once president of the Michigan Public Health Association.)

I'm writing you not about any particular seniors' issue, or about any particular disease. I am not advocating for federally funded programs for old people or anything relating to social security. I am, in fact, suggesting my grandfather as a possible practice-opponent to help you prepare for your upcoming debates with John McCain. With Jennifer Granholm playing the part of Sarah Palin for the sake of honing Joe Biden's debate skills, I figure you need someone who somewhat resembles John McCain. My grandfather has experience in the military, was engaged in politics through his public health career (where he was even a president!), and most importantly, will present you with an intellectual challenge similar to what you'll face in the real debates.

Thank you for your time,

Me

P.S. - I can't believe you're in favor of charter schools! You can be a real schmuck sometimes, you know that?