Column V

Now Serving What Will Hopefully be my Fifth Column for the Fifth Column

To grow up in America is to navigate a world where the line between scam and legitimate business is so blurry as not to exist.

Which is fine, because we're all educated consumers. Not only are we all “rational,” but every single choice we make in the market is made “in our best interests.” (Ask your economics professor.) We should be able to distinguish between a scam, a very sketchy but legal business, and a “legitimate” business. Those who can't make the distinction, well, that's our meritorious system weeding out the weak – indiscriminate of race, class or creed! I know I'm proud of it.

Now, one of the duties of the good consumer is not only to learn what is and isn't a scam, but also to share this knowledge with his fellow consumers. To that end, I've compiled a handy guide in this very column.

Many students here at Michigan State have come across excellent opportunities in poetry contests from the National Library of Poetry (or the “International Society of Poets,” “Poetry.com,” etc...). This is a real organization, and they don't lie to you! When you submit a poem to their contest, you will become a semi-finalist eligible to purchase a book with all the semi-finalists' poems! Not only are they truthful in this, they even heighten the accomplishment by implying (but never explicitly saying) that some applicants won't reach the semi-finals.

Consumers, don't be fooled – this is not a scam! Most Better Business Bureaus around the country have no problem with the National Library of Poetry (and its many affiliates); many rate it quite highly! Just do a nation-wide search on their website, www.bbb.org, where they urge you to “Start With Trust.”

It's also a common misconception that dieting products - like the kind you see advertised between “Girls Gone Wild” ads on late-night cable - are sometimes illegitimate. My fellow consumers, this is merely paranoia sparked by sleep deprivation. We must be rational consumers and base our decisions on research, which diet pill providers have generously provided us with.

Take, for example, the “Go Girl” line of energy drinks, by the Nor-Cal Beverage Company. From their site: “Go Girl is a great tasting energy drink made especially for today's active female. It has all the benefits of an energy drink plus it's low calorie, low in sugar or sugar free, and has a mild herbal appetite suppressant.”

Citrimax, the “mild herbal appetite suppressant” in Go Girl, has been found to have no negative side effects (unless you look at citrimax pills on www.webmd.com), and is proven to possibly actually reduce appetite! The research was done mostly on animals prior to 1988, according to a site that sells citrimax, www.bodyandfitness.com. If you're concerned about the legitimacy of that research, let me remind you that research is like a fine wine - it can only get better with age.

Despite the available facts, some are still concerned about Go Girl. Put to rest your fears – what scam would charge a mere $44 per 288oz case? And with such reasonable prices, there's still money leftover for Go Girl to “passionately support Breast & Ovarian Cancer research and awareness. A portion of the proceeds of each case sold is donated to affiliated foundations.” They don't say how much on their site, but the educated consumer must also utilize the telephone! I learned that they donate 25¢ per case, and that they estimate they've donated over $40,000 in total, including sponsorships of fundraisers. How could such a noble enterprise be a scam? Why, they'll probably start donating to female body image and self-esteem programs next!

There are some who question the notion that we should rely on educated consumers – some who believe that the government should step in and unnecessarily regulate our economy. They say that the consumer is at an unfair disadvantage – or worse, they whine about the millions of people too poor to be consumers! For these people who don't see the folly of their own communist sympathies, I have an example of a scammer: Dick DeVos. His father's company, Amway, was involved in a soap-selling pyramid scheme that he routinely praised, and pyramid schemes are illegal. Yet the educated consumers of Michigan protected themselves when he ran for Governor – only 31% of Michiganders were willing to vote for a scammer! One might argue that the other 69% also voted for a scammer, but to that, I say Hey – that's politics.